Book 2. Family Basics
(the Pursuit of a Warm, Loving, Safe, Fun, Comfortable Life)
Table of Contents
Family Introduction
Volume 1. Family Living Basics
Chapter 1. Family Life in the Modern World
The State of the Modern Family
No Easy Answers: The X Factor
The Truth About Having Children
The Tragedy of Parenthood
Unhappy Marriage Makes An Unhappy Family
Chapter 2. Major Family Issues
The Presence of the Father
Poverty, Money Probems
The Love Between the Parents
Girls & Their Sexuality
Socioeconomic Class
Sex Education Controversy
Modern Day Psychology vs. Living by Intuition & Common Sense
Massive Indoctrination
Sexual Tension Between Parents & Children
Learning Disabilities
Gender Roles
Cooperation vs. Competition
The Behavior & Personality of Children
Chapter 3. Raise A Good Family
Raise A Good Family 1-13
Chapter 4. Family Living Day by Day
Family Living Info 1-3
Family Activities Info
Family Contract Info
Chapter 5. Family Ideas
Family One-Liner Ideas 1-6
Chapter 6. Values, Identity & Soul
Ethical Family Info
Ethical Children Info
Children's Self-Esteem Issues
Spiritual-Esthetically Inspired Children
Children & Humor
Diversity Books for Children
Interracial/ Multicultural Resources
Chapter 7. General Etiquette & Civility
General Etiquette & Civility
General Etiquette Rules
Meal Etiquette Info
Table Manners Info
Use Chopsticks to Eat
Chivalry Info
Etiquette Websites
Business Etiquette/ Etiquette Worldwide
Chapter 8. Family Topics Basics
Adult Children Issues
Adult Children Living at Home
Children Taken Because of Abuse Allegations
Disabled Parents/ Parents With Challenges
Explain Death to Children
The Extended Family
Helicopter Mom Info/ Overprotective Mothers
Overparenting Info/ Cossater Parents
Latchkey Kids Info
Online Play Groups/ Babysitting Co-ops
Sibling Relationships/ Sibling Rivalry
Chapter 9. Make Money as a Foster Parent & Help Unwanted Kids
Foster Care/ Foster Parent to Make Money
Canadian Foster Parent
Volume 2. Specific Family Life Topics
Chapter 1. Motherhood Basics
Motherhood Info
The Empty Nest Syndrome
Motherhood Websites
Stay-at-Home Mom Websites/ SAHM Websites
Midlife Mother Websites
Chapter 2. Fatherhood Basics/ Dad Basics
Fatherhood 1-2
Are Men Paternalistic?
Stay-At-Home Dad (SAHD)/ Stay At Home Father/ House Dad/ House Husband
Fatherhood Websites
Single Father Websites
Pregnant Fathers/ Expectant Fathers
Men & Divorce/ Men's Rights
Chapter 3. Stepfamily Basics
Stepfamily/ Blended Family 1-2
The Stepfather Role
Blended Family Websites
Stepfamily Websites
Stepfamily Resources
Volume 3. Single Family Basics
Chapter 1. Single Parenting Basics
Single Parents 1-2
Single Parent One-Liners
Single Parent Websites
Single Father Websites
Chapter 2. Single Person Wants a Child
Single Parents By Choice
Single Parents by Choice Websites
Single Adoptive Parents
Single & Want to Share a Baby/ Co-Parent a Child, No Relationship Involved
Chapter 3. Single Parents Looking for Love
Single Parent Dating Info
Single Parent Dating Websites
Parent of a Special Needs Child Dating
Volume 4. Raising Children/ Problems Children Have
Chapter 1. Children Go From Rascals to Beautiful
Raise Good Children 1-3
Parenting One-Liners
The "Only Child" Info
Chapter 2. Correct Children for Bad Behavior
Basic Discipline Info 1-2
Problem Children 1-4
Danger Spots for Children
Parents Have Problems Too
Chapter 3. Discipline Children/ Crossing the Line
Child Abuse Info
Child Abuse Websites
Child Spanking Websites
Child Discipline Websites/ Fix Problem Children Websites
Schools for Troubled Youth/ Boot Camps
Chapter 4. Children's Miscellaneous Topics
Shy Children Info
Birthday Websites
Tracking Devices For Children
Youth Air Force Program
Chapter 5. Children Were Made to Move/ Kid Action
Children's Fun/ Children's Activities/ Children's Hobby Websites
Children's Outdoor Games/ Outdoor Play Websites
Children Sports Websites
Youth Sports Websites/ Children's Sports Websites
Children's Clubs Info
Children's Games Websites
Chapter 6. Children's Websites
Major Children's Websites
Children's Search Engines
Children's Websites Master List
Australia Children's Websites
Canadian Children's Websites
Children's TV
Family Introduction
The "People Power" Family Superbook contains basic information about the many areas you need to know about when running a family and a household.
I deal with mostly five areas:
Baby.
Parenting.
Children's Life/ Teen Life
The home as a building.
Buying stuff for the home.
Refer to some of my other books like the medical and health one, the travel and recreation one, the money and real estate book and my education book which are all concepts implicit in running a household.
For information about food health, refer to my medical book.
For information about domestic violence, refer to my love and sex book.
For information about contraception, refer to my love and sex book.
For information about parenting a child with a mental or physical disability, refer to my disability book.
Consumer education books are at #640.7 or TX335 at the library.
Cooking books are at #641 at the library.
Home economics/ thrift type living books are at #332.024 or TX326 at the library.
Raising a family books are at #306.85, #646.78, #649.1 and HQ743-HQ769 at the library. There will probably be several hundred there if it's a city library.
Family books in general are at #306.80-90 or HQ536.
Marriage books are at #306.7 at the library.
Try #362.4 at the library for books about children's disability organizations, #649.1511, HV1596 and RJ506 for books about raising disabled children.
Books about problem children, children who are nonconformists are at #649.3 or RJ53 at the library.
Books about breastfeeding are at #613.2, #649.33 or RJ216 at the library.
Books about how to feed children are at #649.3 or RJ53.
Books about helping children learn to read are at #649.58 or LB1050.5 at the library.
Child psychology books are at #305.231 or HQ792 and you will find a few at #155, the general self-help section.
Try pueblo.gsa.gov, 888-8pueblo for some government booklets on parenting.
Information about sex education is in my love book and at #649.65 or HQ57 at the library.
Practical household books start at #640 and go to #649. There are many food preparation books at #641, child rearing at #649.
640. Household Stuff.
641. Food and drink.
642. Food and meal service.
643. Home improvement.
644. Household utilities.
645. Household furnishings.
646. Clothing, cosmetics, love, family issues.
647. Housekeeping.
648. Household sanitation.
649. Family life, child rearing, home nursing.
If you're looking for real estate and home information, refer to both my real estate and home book or go to #332.70 to #333 at the library.
For information about fertility and pregnancy, go to #618 at the library.
For extensive information about substance abuse, refer to my medical and well-being book or go to #362.29, #363.41, #615.7883, #616.801, #616.85-86 or HV5306 to HV5822, QK617 and RC564-RC1230 at the library.
Books about children and drug use are at #649.4 or HV5824 at the library. Books about substance abuse at work are at #658.3822 and HF5549.5.
For information about educating children in the academic sense as opposed to the parenting sense, refer to my education book or go to #370 to #379 and #792-793 (educational recreation activities) at the library.
Children's education is at #372-373 at the library where you should find information about children's books.
For information about money, either get my money book or go to #332 at the library.
For information about pollution in the home, either refer to my medical and well-being book or try #333, #613.5, #613.6, #690.837 and RA577 at the library. Books about home health/ environmental medicine are at #613.5 at the library. Books about pollution are at #304.28 or GF75. Books about poison/ toxicology are at #615.902 or RA770-RA1238 at the library. Books about poison are at #615.951 or RA1242. Books about chemical sensitivity syndrome are at #615.902 or RB152.6.
If you're interested in country living and homesteading, go to #630.2, #641.4 and #643 sections or S501 at the library.
Check out books about tools at #670.42.
Books about solar energy are at #333.7. Books about pumps are at #621.64.
Books about home energy are at #333.7 and #621.45 at the library.
Look in both the Yellow and White pages of your phone book under Social Service Organizations for the Parent Assistant Line.
There are parenting classes around. Check around through the YMCA and other social support agencies.
The major reference book for parenting is probably the Sourcebook on Parenting and Child Care (oryxpress.com).
National Parent Information Network
U.S. Department of Education
800-583-4135
npin.org
Free service, will attempt to answer any parenting question.
The National Council on Family Relations (ncfr.com) has an online database called Family Resources.
National Parenting Center
800-753-6667
818-225-8990
tnpc.com
National Association of Family Child Care
800-359-3817
nafcc.org
National Assocation for the
Education of Young Children
800-424-2460
naeyc.org
Volume 1. Family Living Basics
Chapter 1. Family Life in the Modern World
The State of the Modern Family
The state of the modern American family is going along fine evolving to its natural order or into a state of massive disarray depending on who you believe and what political-religious stance you take.
The Rainbow Coalition, loosely made up of single parents by choice, single parents through deadbeat dads and moms, the product of divorce, gay and lesbian couples, grandparents raising children and a few other alternative groups all seem to be the natural way society is going based on natural changes in its sociological fiber.
In fact, with sperm donation, for-profit sperm banks and advances in in-vitro fertilization, some people say man as a father has largely been taken out of the equation of the modern day family.
They say he's not really needed anymore but others beg to differ mainly the traditional, conservative forces and the religious right which are often one and the same group of people although not necessarily so in all cases.
There are some traditionalists who aren't religious, just conservative in their belief of the traditional man-woman family as the foundation of a civilized society.
Myself personally, I believe you can't stop the natural progression of life. Let it go where it will naturally. Live and let live. It will never go back to the innocent, simpler times of the 1950s. Those times weren't so innocent then. It's just that the people who held the power had a better control of the citizenry through their monopolistic use of the media and basic techniques of propaganda and indoctrination.
Since then, the genie has been let out of the bottle. There are many alternative lifestyles now which is a good thing that people are living the ways that make them happy rather than conforming to societal norms.
As far as I'm concerned, if gay couples can reduce the burden of unwanted children by adopting some of them, all the more power to everybody concerned but a lot of closed minds won't allow it.
I'm sure most of us have heard the story about the juvenile delinquent elephants who calmed down as soon as some older male elephants were introduced into their herd of single mother elephants which probably translates into human behavior as well.
Children, especially male children need a strong male presence in the home in order to grow up functional and normal but as far as I can remember, until recently, most fathers in so-called traditional families were either absentee fathers in the physical sense who spent most of their time at work or playing golf or they were spiritually absent fathers who came home after work tired and weren't there to emotionally connect with their children and raise them as hands-on fathers. Most fathers simply don't have much to do with raising their children even though they're present in the home.
The argument that the so-called rainbow side uses is quality over quantity. Children raised with loving parents regardless of gender or household arrangement generally turn out fine.
There's also the concept of the surrogate father. You have the grandfather, male friends, male teachers, the clergy, cub scouts, the Big Brothers organization and older brothers who can give younger children especially boys the male presence and guidance they need.
Now, having said all that, the modern family is still in a massive state of disarray or at least confusion and growing pains if you're to believe what you see written about it in psychological and sociological circles.
Most family-oriented magazines are usually centered around one ideological viewpoint, either traditional or one of the freer alternative options so you won't get an objective view there but if you go to academic books which analyze the state of the family, generally around #306.85 at the library, you will find the analysts and researchers harping on the same few issues based on their biases which are either the deterioration of the family or its changing nature into a wonderful rainbow hue.
I can't begin to do an objective analysis because none exists. The state of the family in society depends on who you talk to or what side of the fence you feel like leaning on today. Either way, we will survive.
People have a way of keeping on regardless of what kind of family they come from so I guess that says something about how relevant the family is to an individual's development which means psychologists and sociologists are basically useless because people find what they need to get by and it generally ain't psychobabble but that's just my opinion.
I'm sure many psychobabblists would like to nail me to the cross for tearing down their little industry of bullsh*t but the truth is that people have been raising children in all matter of circumstances since the beginning of humanity and we're still here kicking so don't take all the verbal diarrhea you see written about the state of the family too seriously.
No Easy Answers: The X Factor
Whereas in the past, children accepted the moral authority of the parents and were expected to be seen and not heard, children nowadays have gotten savvy. They question their parents and tell them off because they saw it on TV.
Many millions of children run away from home because they have this unrealistic idea gleaned from TV that life is all glittery and peaches and cream so they go to Hollywood or some place looking for streets paved with fun, frivolous, kind, generous people like they saw on TV only to find poverty, homelessness, prostitution and drug abuse.
In the final analysis, I don't necessarily agree with the patriarchial nature of the traditional family, that man is the undisputed dictatorial head of the family but I do believe in man as the symbolic head with an equal relationship with his wife, each taking clearly defined roles but helping each other in all facets of married life and family living.
I think children that grow up in a traditional family with both a nurturing mother and father is still the best way to go maybe because I was brought up in roughly the same way even though my father fit the stereotype of the workaholic, unemotional father but he later mellowed as he aged.
It could simply be biology. This is who we are, this is the way we live as a species but at the same time we can't change the changing winds of time. I don't believe laws are etched in stone when it comes to raising a family. Sure, it would be nice if we went back to the cookie cutter lifestyle of the 1950s but it ain't gonna happen.
Pandora's box has been opened, the genie has been let out of the bottle. The sexual revolution, feminism, gay rights, divorce, deadbeat dads, hedonism, etc. have all helped redefine the structure of the modern family.
We have to live and let live. Accept it for what it is. Often it's beyond our control. Sure, I'd like to be in a nice picture-perfect family but I'd rather be divorced than be with somebody I don't really love or have fallen out of love with.
There are no easy answers. Accept yourself, accept others. Try to be loving or at least don't openly antagonize others who might be different than you. It's the best we can do in this massive, heterogenous world we live in.
Besides, there's always the x factor. Most kids, regardless of the way they were brought up, either good or bad, reach a point where they throw off the past. It's just them alone and the future. They know that, they know the past doesn't matter anymore so whatever they do from then on is up to them.
They create their lives as they go along so in the end, having a nice, traditional family to help form you is nice but if you're strong, you will eventually break from it to find your own soul, that intuitive standard that lives inside of you, that essence that you were born with and live by that regardless of whatever happened to you when you were raised by your family as a child growing up.
The Truth About Having Children
Love your children for who they are.
Romantic love is one thing. It's great to spend a little while with your love pie every night and you always know that if something goes wrong, you simply split up and it's over but children are another thing entirely.
They may be a cute little bundles of joy as babies then cute up until they're about 10 but unless you genuinely want to raise them, it's no picnic because there are a lot of tedious times in there and they're in your face when you want to be alone at home.
Family is about spouse and children. The two are different entities, not just one clumped mass. You must give separate attention to your spouse and kids.
The spouse must come first because they're your closest partner and will be there when the children leave plus the fact that if the children see a loveless marriage, they don't feel the love they want.
Some people get jealous of their spouse's relationship with the children and feel left out. It's gotta be a unit. Don't have children unless you have the sincere desire to raise noble beings.
There are a few fun times in there when they're young and innocent but the tedious times often outweigh this. You have to always be there, always on, always thinking about them.
It's not worth it for many people. Many times, they act all cute, getting in your face to try to manipulate you to give them money or take them somewhere to buy them something. You have to really love your children to enjoy it all.
Kids will not grow up to suit your mold. They will grow up to be themselves and since you represent authority, you will become the bad person for awhile.
The Tragedy of Parenthood
The biggest tragedy is that your child will not grow up to be you. He or she will become their own person, possibly not like you at all. You realize this gradually as the child grows up.
The more you help them become who they were born to be by nature, the happier and peaceful everyone is.
Unhappy Marriage Makes An Unhappy Family
As a free spirit, I generally value my time over anything else. It's not selfish, it's a fact which is why I wouldn't be so stupid to bring children into the world unless I was ready to support them financially and with my time.
You have to want to spend time with them. Many parents don't. Most fathers generally work then come home and talk to the children for two minutes a day if that. I'm not anti-kid, I'm just saying don't have them unless you're willing to sacrifice some of your free time to raise them. You can live a great life without having children.
The birth of every child often helps kill the connection between couples although it should really be a time of joy and bonding. They no longer talk. They just work and care for the baby thus losing the connection.
The baby has no consciousness until about six months so for that time, there's no feedback, not even a smile.
Often husbands brood about this state of affairs for awhile, getting further alienated because they don't talk about it.
There's nothing sexy or romantic about children. Know that before you have them. The hardest job in the world is to raise children because it never ends. Don't expect a love life like before you had them. Children take time, money and energy to raise.
Children are master guilt trip manipulators. They will make you feel guilty if you don't shower them with love and things like good parents should. In a nutshell, don't take their crap. They need structure and order. You're the moral authority.
Right after birth, the mother usually goes through post-partum depression for at least six weeks. Then the wife takes care of the kids, the husband focuses on his business and never the twaine shall meet.
Instead of children bringing a family together to share in their upbringing, often they separate the parents. The husband goes one way, the wife and children another. Children want their fathers involved in their lives.
Kids watch parents. The most important thing they will take from you is the relationship you two had as a loving or nonloving couple and they may imitate it when they go out and search for love so the bottom line is that the husband should do his part and change diapers, etc. and you should do things together as a family and as a loving couple.
For example, go to the park with your children and if you feel like kissing, go for it, your children will love to see you doing it. Eat together. When you go out to do mundane things like shop for groceries, etc., bring the kids.
Statistics show that the average couple hangs on for six years after the spark is gone until they finally divorce. Don't put your children first over the marriage. A happy marriage makes happy children and a happy family in total.
An unhappy marriage makes an unhappy family. Your first priority is your spouse. She will be there when the children are long gone. Try for at least one shared activity like walking the dog or baby together or going bowling together.
It's not enough just to be good with the kids, try to know your spouse internally. There must be idle moments of free, spontaneous affection between you two.
One couple has a hand cranked ice cream machine which uses ice and salt and they make it together then eat it.
Gardening is a good couple recreational activity. If you have any happy memories of your parents during your youth, it was when they were doing loving things together.
Chapter 2. Major Family Issues
The Presence of the Father
Is the presence of the father in the home that important to a child's development? Do other options do a good enough job raising children?
The dysfunctional nature of families according to some mental health reports and some elements in the psychological and psychiatric industries state that up to 90% of fathers are dysfunctional according to their definition but this is the business of mental health, to create dysfunction where none exists so they can profit from it.
They make their money by treating dysfunction. If they said most men are doing fine as fathers, they would be eliminated a possible source of income so it ain't exactly objective analysis.
Just like you should never ask a barber if you need a haircut, never ask a so-called mental health expert if there are are problems in your family because he will always say yes in anticipation of making money by "counseling" you. Be wary of psychobabble over-analysis in any facet of life.
Poverty, Money Probems
Most families don't have enough money to do the things they really wanna do.
Get a second job.
Go to #332 at the library. Get my money book.
The Love Between the Parents
The love between the father and mother is not a strong intimate relationship in most families which trickles down to the kids. In fact, many parents who stay together often bicker all the time, others remain like loveless roommates in the same house and still others get divorced which is tough on the kids.
Way too many people marry for the wrong reasons, usually because of indoctrination from society not because of what they really feel inside so is it any wonder the track record of marriage and family in modern day society is horrible?
It was horrible in the past too. We don't know what really went on except for idyllic romantic stories which are largely fiction. In the old days, people stayed together no matter how bad it was and family matters were generally kept private in the home not like all the exploitative TV shows today which expose absolutely everything.
Girls & Their Sexuality
Girls are brought up to be ashamed of themselves sexually. Parents and authority figures teach them to be restrained, keep it all in, that boys only want one thing, they should save it for marriage, sex is bad and wrong all the while being bombarded with a sex-soaked media of pop culture and advertising geared to create superficial, frivolous girls hooked on their looks, cosmetics, fashion, boy bands and teen idols.
Socioeconomic Class
A lot of families define themselves by socioeconomic class, especially those who think they're upper class, trying to look and act as though they belong in this illusory place of refined, superior people.
They're living in an illusion that they're better than the great unwashed lower, working classes because they have money, went to an Ivy League school or some other external thing that doesn't reflect the true soul and character of the person. This attitude is passed on to the children who think like this, judging others based on clothes, so-called status, the car they drive, how much money they have, etc.
Sex Education Controversy
The controversy as to whether sex education is liking giving children the perception that sex is alright among themselves at a young age. It's like you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Not teaching sex education results in STDs and teen pregnancies. Teaching it seems to send the message that premarital sex is fine.
Do parents teach children sex education? Generally, no. Children learn it on the street and in magazines which could be why many grow up to be so sexually confused thinking it's cool to sleep around, not understanding the fundamentals of love, intimacy and commitment.
Are girls and boys in general raised confused about their sexuality which encourages them to be monogamous, sexually promiscuous or chivalrous and exploitive all at the same time. We get contradictory messages about family values and the free, easygoing cool, hedonistic, self-serving lifestyle all the time.
Modern Day Psychology vs. Living by Intuition & Common Sense
Modern day psychobabble. Is all that stuff Freud taught us about childhood (stages of development, Oedipeus Complex) or Benjamin Spock with permissiveness (negates structure and order with children who are intrinsically not mature enough to handle freedom) and a host of others have taught us in the name of the scientific study of human behavior really relevant or is it a bunch of pompous garbage that has nothing to do with real-life situations day by day, most of which are solved by the intuitive common sense you were presumably born with.
I was under the impression that God gave you all the tools inside of you to be a good parent should you choose to use it. We all seem to know what's right and wrong and how to be good parents even if we don't always act that way because we're more creatures of transient emotion than common sense.
Massive Indoctrination
The peer group and mass media have replaced the parents and the church as the primary moral determinants of a child's formative development due mostly to the parents working their butts off to earn a living and/ or overall laziness. They'd rather watch TV or play golf that actually talk with their children and do things with them.
Sexual Tension Between Parents & Children
Sexual tension. We're all sexual beings. The father can't be too intimate with his daughters nor the mother with her sons lest we be branded as deviants.
Child abuse and child sexual abuse is a major problem, especially among step-parents who take it out on the kids.
Learning Disabilities
What about all this special education stuff about learning disabled and attention-deficit-disorder kids? Are these just convenient excuses to make up for poor parenting and poor teaching in the schools?
Gender Roles
Has the aggressive thrust of feminism taken the punch away from a man's desire to be a chivalrous person, the head of the household and stopped women from happily being housewives whose purpose is to keep a nice home and raise good kids.
Men are confused about what it means to be a man. Action movies and professional sports portray men as one-dimensional, mission-oriented people of action who use violence to achieve their goals while cavorting with an endless supply of babes on the side.
Society tells them to achieve, be ambitious, keep your mouth shut, don't whine. Don't show emotion. What does all this have to do with being a good lover with one woman for life and trying to be a nurturing father?
Sexually, boys are trained to get notches on the belt. The one who has vanquished the most girls is the winner. With attitudes like this, is it any wonder men are confused about being good fathers and husbands and the fathers who were taught this distance-competitive-female as sex object mentality by their fathers and the culture of machismo during their youth pass this ideology on to their boys.
Boys don't know what it is to be a real man so they often just imitate the culture, doing stupid, negative things because they think they're doing the right thing as defined by society (compete and win at something regardless of who you exploit and alienate in the process) in order to get their fathers' approval but where does love, nurturance, cooperation and sharing figure into all of this?
I was taught to show who I am through my concrete achievements in the world not being a good, friendly, cooperative person or talking openly about emotional things to my father. Concrete results in the real world define the man not the extent to which men have open, sharing, caring relationships with other people.
Cooperation vs. Competition
Why can't we be kind and cooperate? Does the indoctrination from society to be competitive make us like that even with our own families?
Mothers and daughters and fathers and sons are trained to compete against each other through the general competitive nature of society unlike in the past when they had to cooperate to do the basic task of sustaining themselves and surviving.
Speaking of the politics of the family, you have divided loyalties and alliances. The parent has to balance out time and attention for the spouse with time and attention for the kids. Children often try to pit parents against one another. They play them off each other and the children often compete with each other to get the most favor with the parents.
The Behavior & Personality of Children
Like father, like son.
If a kid is born and given to adoptive parents, all the research shows that by adulthood, that kid will be more like his biological parents than his adoptive parents.
Nature triumphs over nurture.
You cannot run away from who your genes say you are.
You must respect your true nature according to your genes because it's who you are.
Chapter 3. Raise A Good Family
Raise A Good Family 1
Love makes a good parent.
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life searching for their own. They come through you but they are not from you. Although they are with you, they belong not to you.
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
A good family is where everyone loves each other, helps each other and puts the others' needs above theirs.
Treat your child in such a way that he or she respects you. This is different from love. Anyone can buy love with money, toys and candy but to make your child think you're a great person who helps him or her is something else.
The way to raise good children is not to act like their parents.
Children want their parents to be parents.
These two statements sound like contradictions but they're not. They just show that the art of good parenting is a tightrope between being a good friend and the purveyor of structure, order and discipline when necessary.
I personally believe that any good person should intuitively know how to raise a good family, after all, we didn't have parenting books until about a hundred years ago or so but there are rough spots and even the best of us need some inspiration now and then.
I won't bore you with longwinded verbiage merely summarize some of the main points, however, if you want more information, you can find a zillion books on parenting in the #649 section of your local library and many books about family living at #306.80-90.
Marriage books are at #301.42-43. Love books are at #306.7. There are hundreds of books on educating your children at #372-76 at the library.
For inspiration and publications, there's a daily Christian talk radio show out there called Focus On The Family, Colorado Springs, Co 80995, family.org, 800-232-6459.
It's really very simple, keep loving and talking to each other. Teach each other that the world is tough and impersonal because at the end of the day, it really is. Everybody goes back to their little piece of the world and lives alone in their little vacuums.
You need one haven and that's the family. You have to love each other and support each other in your individual quests to do whatever it is you do out in the world.
That's really about it. The home is not just a house. The people in it have to feel for each other, help each other, be friends, socialize, enjoy each other's company, take an interest in the welfare of each other.
There has to be a feeling of love, peace and comfort there. That's a successful family and home. I would say be more relaxed and loving than authoritative and disciplinary but you need some discipline for the kids because they're not mature enough to do everything right yet.
When you're having rough times as a family, stop everything and just think love, talk and listen, love, talk and listen, etc. When you talk, be emotionally honest. You're in it together. Never forget that. Don't complain or criticize. Show care, compliments and closeness instead. Don't compete against each other.
If you have problems, nip them in the bud immediately.
If you have tension from past problems, talk them out to clean them out.
If you have problems with who has to do what, set up a specific assignment table.
Don't raise your voice.
Make your home a relaxing haven.
From a practical POV, run the practical elements of running a family/ household like a business. Keep it organized.
Set family priorities and stick to them.
The number one golden rule is to love your children and your spouse and give them time and attention.
Children are imitators. They will watch you, take your lead and grow up that way. If you're a slouch, they will be slouches. If you're active, they will be active. Look at children as mirrors. Whatever you send to them, they send back to you. You don't have to sit down and have direct talks with your kids. Just do things with them and they will start talking to you of their own free will.
Raise a Good Family 2
Regardless of everything in the world, the family is the anchor and foundation of society. Most people want a happy family. Being a good family is a little bit like having a good love affair and running a good business. It takes passion and organization.
Parenthood is the greatest role you can have in life. You have to take your place as the symbolic head of the family and make an emotional connection with your children both as a unit and with each singly.
The one hard, steadfast rule about raising children is that they already have an inherent personality when they're born. Your job is to guide them enough to discover their true natures and live by them.
You must try for the emotional-intimate connection otherwise they will grow up cold and callous.
They need structure and order. Set limits. Don't spoil them. Make them be responsible and work for material things so that they will appreciate them.
Teach your child to be happy in his own way, within himself and not necessarily by societal grade school standards.
Don't spoil them with too many material things. Make them earn things they want. Don't allow a TV in the bedroom. It will destroy them before they even have a chance to live life. Make them do things and go to the library.
You do not own your children, you are just their guide. They see you as a god so don't let them down. The family is a unit, greater than the sum of its parts. Everybody is affected by everybody else. You are their model, mentor, teacher, hope in the world and source of financial stability.
As the leader, you're responsible for the well being of the family, therefore, you have take responsibility for your life. There are no victims or excuses, you have a choice in everything you do.
Perhaps the most important yet under-neglected facet of any family is direction or purpose. The father as the moral head should spell out a purpose for his family, try to live it and reinforce it all the time.
It should be something like I want a noble family with noble children who love each other and are respectful of the world.
Most people want a happy family that goes places together, enjoys the outdoors, eats one meal together a day and goes to church together.
I want my children to do good in school and become productive members of society.
I want them to explore different things to find their talents then I will help them with them any way I can.
I don't want them to take their youth too seriously though and won't push them because childhood is supposed to be for enjoyment.
I don't necessarily want them to go to college but I want them to pick a vocation that will make them happy.
You could go on and on with this, write it out as a set of guidelines and/ or philosophy for the family, pass it around to them and invite their input.
Be spiritual and follow your soul. You must have an identity, who you are, what you do and what you believe in. This may be part religious, partially tied to ethnic culture, partially tied to the father's work or business, your network of relatives and friends, what you do in the community, etc.
Children should see the parents as strong individuals in and of themselves with their own hobbies and passions distinct from the family.
Children must be able to see that you have a vision for their future with options for a career to do something in life. You just can't shoot from the hip, you have to be organized in your efforts to get your children to develop properly.
Raise a Good Family 3
Be as kind and loving as you can without spoiling your children.
Send love. Don't try to punish or shame the other to conform.
A family is a group of two or more individuals who want to share their lives together in a long-term committed relationship with one another, raising children, living together.
Family is where most people learn how to live with other people and develop values.
The factors of good parenting are:
To provide adequate material means;
To give love;
To give truth;
To give morality;
To give unconditional support;
To give structure and order such that they know that life is a matter of personal standards and discipline.
Be reasonable, be gentle, be patient, be definite, be peaceful, be concerned about their futures and let them know it. Practice moderation in everything. Respect and culture individual differences.
Don't live in denial about family problems. Use communication to get them out in the open.
Don't threaten, don't bribe, don't lose your temper, don't use sarcasm or embarrassment, don't refuse to explain, don't be apathetic or cynical, don't dash their dreams, don't put them down.
Respect your children. Provide for their needs.
Encourage them. Expose them to real life experiences.
Help them set goals by talking to them.
Help them work through problems.
Don't let them get too emotionally dependent on you.
Don't let them take over.
Make them do things on their own for themselves.
Give them jobs and pay them.
Let them develop their own identities.
Buy them a computer with educational software.
Plain and simple, your #1 priority is to make your family #1 in your life.
Your #2 priority is to make them happy.
For most men, the family is a sideshow to work and their hobbies like golf or watching wrestling on TV.
You've got to make the decision to become deeply committed to them. The time for the emotional connection is now. Do things with your wife and children. Play, read bedtime stories, go places, do anything as long you do it together. Spend as much quality time together as possible.
You must encourage them and communicate with everybody in a disciplined manner on a regular basis. You're the creative force of your family.
You have to decide on activities and follow through with them.
You have take initiative and make things happen. You have to make the home a place of security and peace of mind, a haven from the outside world.
I remember an investigative report I saw on TV about a family with both parents working with three children who were going wild and knew how to push their parent's buttons such that the parents would just give up, buy them what they wanted and that was the end of it.
After intervention, both continued to work but instead of just buying their children off with toys and then leaving them in a corner, they started to do things together like read bedtime stories or the father would play guitar and they'd sing and dance. The children became happier, calmer and more obedient. In a word, children need attention. If you give it to them, all other problems will fade.
A good family feeds each other's spirits. If you neglect your children now during the formative years, you may be putting a wedge into the relationship that will be very difficult to repair later.
Children are very sensitive and they remember things which may seem trivial to you. Don't build up their hopes and then let them down. When you make a promise, you build up their anticipation then when you break it, they're shattered and swear they will never forgive you.
You must be nurturing and strive for peace in the family. Show your love for your wife in front of your children. That's the greatest gift you can give them, to show them what love is. Even if you split up and get divorced, still treat your wife with the utmost respect.
Raise A Good Family 4
Make the family table the symbolic altar. The family that eats together stays together. Try to make that a hard and fast rule. Research shows that most families barely spend three minutes a day with each other and you wonder why we have a crisis of the family in America. Remember the old cliche, no one's ever gonna look back and wish they had spent more time at the office.
The most important thing, in my opinion, is to have a relaxed, easy atmosphere in the house unlike the tension I've seen in many a household. Most families are not either good or bad. They're a confusing mixture of good times and bad times.
Try to be consistent with your kids. It's very stressful on them to be inconsistent such as one minute you're a nice guy then the next day after a hard day's work, you come home and act like a bully.
Don't make promises you can't keep. They will remember for the rest of their lives. Ask yourself how important are the hearts of your children. Do special things with each child. Take them on business trips. Remember their birthdays and treat them special on that day.
Take them to work with you, take them to buy shoes, take them to grandma's for the weekend or anything to make contact and talk to them about what's going on in their lives.
Do regular things with them like play basketball in the yard, take the dog for a walk, etc. They have to feel that you want a special relationship with them and that you understand and empathize where they're coming from.
If you love your children, you will give up those golf games and those TV shows to do things with them. What's important to your child should be important to you.
Right now, stop reading and think of your own childhood. What are your best family memories with your parents? Your mission now is to create those exact same experiences in your family.
The little things are the big things. If you do the little things, your children will love you. If you ignore the little things, your children will withdraw and eventually alienate you. Do small acts of kindness for your children. Don't bribe your children with money or punishment. Try to do it with love and understanding.
Think of the way you treat your pet. In my opinion, in most families, the pets get more love and attention from the parents than they give their children. Use the way you treat your pet as a model from which to treat your kids.
Encourage your children to go outdoors to play on nice days. Do not culture couch potato TV children with junk food habits. Personally, I think video games are useless. I would not buy them for my children. I would buy educational software.
I saw one mother on a TV talk show who gave her child everything he wanted because she said she was trying to make up for her hard times as a child. The kid's room was better than that of most adults with color, cable TV, computer, video machine, telephone, etc.
They showed a shot of this kid with expensive sunglasses on at some overpriced tennis lesson. He thought he was a real shotshot with all his trendy sportswear, not realizing that he looked like an arrogant clone. Is this what you want your kid to be, some punk thinking he's an elitist because he's wearing the supposedly cool clothes?
The kid's mother was an idiot, raising a self-centered monster with no conception of reality and no base on which to appreciate the good things in life after you earn them.
I want Down-to-Earth children with a sense of compassion about themselves. The wise way is to mind your own business, don't be a bully or put on airs about yourself but if someone messes with you, don't shrivel like meek people do.
You don't take crap from anyone. Even though the Christian religion says to turn the other cheek and offer your enemy the other one, I'm not anybody's sucker.
I believe somebody has to stand up to the bullies of the world which is why I would raise children the way I am. I mind my own business but let it be known that if you try to mess with me, I will use all my force to put you in your place.
Discipline should be agreed upon in a code set by you and the child. When they're young, you set the standard written out on a piece of paper so they know the rules. As they get older, let them set reasonable disciplinary sanctions for wrong behaviors.
Children know when you feel rejecting or ambivalent towards them. Simple kindness is your only weapon. Do not complain, compare, criticize, compete with, judge, belittle or scold your children in any way whatsoever.
You reap what you sow. Fix yourself if there are some problems with you and then fix your relationship with each person in your family.
Regardless of how strained the relationships may be at the moment, it's never too late. Don't ever give up on your kids. They have to know that you will be there when they go out into the world, mess up, then come back with their tails between their legs.
Deep down, everyone wants love and a family structure. If you abandon them, it will lead to estrangement but more importantly, some children will devalue themselves and live out a twisted spiral of self hate because deep down inside, they don't feel worthy of love.
All family problems can be solved if you take the steps to try. Difficulties can be healed if you can get rid of your ego, swallow your pride, admit to your mistakes and apologize to your wife and children. An apology can work wonders to wipe the slate clean and start with a fresh beginning.
The guy at realanswers.com, a Christian ministry, says have a relationship with your kids as though you were dating them. You have to go on regular dates to stay in touch and in love.
Raise A Good Family 5
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ... So these things continue forever: faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love.
I Corinthians 13: 1-13
Riches are in the spirit of the family, not in money or status. If you have to take a lower paying job to spend more time with the family, think about it seriously.
Do something to excite your children like a project that creates something. Do home improvement projects, build a barbecue or a boat, build a gym in the garage or take up a family hobby or sport. Get a computer and learn with the children.
On the weekends, take the children camping, hiking, to the beach, to the museum, take them with you to visit friends, etc.
After a long hard day at work, don't bring baggage into the house with you. Don't take your frustrations out on the kids. Think for a few minutes on the drive home and try to get it out of your system.
Everybody remembers that scene in the movie It's a Wonderful Life when George Bailey comes home all frustrated, his daughter is innocently playing the piano, he tells her to shut up, she runs away crying then he feels like an idiot after. The lesson is that whenever you take out your frustrations from work on your kids, you're gonna feel like a jerk afterwards so think before you act.
The children and the wife each have expectations of the father. He is the leader. They expect him to constantly give of himself to lead them and make them happy. That's the father's role. They look to you for leadership, understanding and love. You asked for it. Nobody said it was gonna be easy.
Everyone of your children has a different frame of reference. Try to relate to each of them at their levels.
Listening is the key to understanding.
Children need to feel appreciated. Affirm their potential to do great things in life. Go out of your way for them because you love them so much. If you believe in God, pray for them.
Sometimes the decisions children make regarding their life course are made after a few positive comments. When they're at a crossroads or making key decisions, be there to lend them your guidance.
Grudges, sarcasm, cynicism and tension in the house are poison. Try to eliminate all criticism and judgments through talk. Forgive your children.
Don't separate one child as a black sheep. If you have a black sheep, reel him back in or relate to him at his level. Don't just call him a loser.
When the shows Trading Spouses and Wife Swap were on TV, I saw lots of parents push their expectations onto the child. They had their children on schedules thinking it would make them successful in life but it's the kid's life. He has to discover what he wants freely.
Many parents get into a routine where they go to work, come home, watch TV and let the children fend for themselves. If your children interfere with your life, why did you have them in the first place?
It takes hard work to raise children properly. Reflect on your family every night. Make decisions then take action.
The magic words are incredible patience & forgiveness. There's no quick fix. During the course of time between now and when your children go out on their own, there will be a lot of distractions, detours, problems and setbacks but the bottom line is that as long as you actively stay firm in your convictions and keep trying, sooner or later, the family will get back on track and get their vision back.
Raise A Good Family 6
When you have young children, what you see is basically a blob of untapped potential and a lot of work ahead to channel it into a productive human being so you have to be ready to accept these children unconditionally all the times that they're gonna screw up in the next 20 years.
After all, children are naturally self-centered. You have to teach them them to see the world from the other guy's point of view too.
Don't backstab your children or talk about them in the house where they or the other children might be able to hear you. Do it in the bedroom with the door closed. If you think the children are asleep, don't talk about them downstairs because all children eavesdrop on their parents.
Don't play favorites either between the boys and girls, younger or older or if one looks more like you than the others. If you put one child down to another one of your children, they will squeal on you to the child you're talking about and despise you for it because there's a unity among children. They know that it could easily be them the next time out.
There's a phenomena called scripting where new parents, either on a conscious or subconscious level, copy the things that their parents did in raising them regardless of whether they are good or bad.
Parenting techniques in the past weren't as liberated as they are today so if you find yourself copying some of the negative things you parents did, watch it.
You could be dysfunctional and not know it because that's all you ever knew. The most common dysfunction is simply anger which is passed down from generation to generation.
If you hit your children, you will regret it later on in life. Your children will never forget and may never forgive you. Use your conscience. You know what's right and what's wrong.
Value learning in the family so that you don't have to force the children to learn. Buy books, go to the library, buy a computer, etc. Give them as many opportunities as you can for learning about life.
Research shows that one of the most important things is for the children to see the adults read so that they can make that connection.
TV destroys the family culture and if watched freely with no control, brainwashes children into a false sense of reality thinking that real life is like the pop culture stuff they see on the tube. Eliminate it during the day. Don't let children watch while the sun is shining. Make them go outside and play like children should.
Children don't all develop in the same way at the same level. Some children have abilities that are not apparent by school standards such as love of animals or working with their hands.
Your job is not to bury the intrinsic value of your child if he or she has so-called offbeat interests or hobbies. That's his or her identity, who they really are despite all the standards the school tries to impose on a child with its standards.
School is not the be-all, end-all. Children can learn to make a good living without necessarily being good little clones in the school system. Refer to the first chapter of my education book for more information.
If your child appears backward or slow by school standards, don't measure him by those standards. Shift your way of thinking.
Accept him for who he is and what he does. Don't compare him with others. Spend time with him. Don't get too deep with him about his alleged problem, just let him find his own strengths and nurture them.
If your child has a disability, don't treat him as though his life is over, just treat it as a damn nuisance for whatever he's gonna do in his life. In other words, treat him like a normal human being and encourage what he wants to do.
I personally believe that a large part of the learning disabilities phenomena is a lot of hype with so-called experts creating and diagnosing all manner of imaginary, fake disorders just to get prestige and make money.
If the school system tries to diagnose your child with something silly like attention deficit disorder (add), dispute it or try to switch schools. The stigma of the diagnosis will often result in a negative self-fulfilling prophecy where the child gets lazy and acts stupid because he thinks he spozed to be stupid.
The way to teach honesty is to lead by example. Create a truthful environment. Don't be phony and lie to your friends. Almost all children lie a little. When you catch them, don't go crazy, just point it out and tell them it's wrong.
Teach them tact, that is that discretion is the better part of valor meaning it's not always good to be too honest, it's better to keep your mouth shut sometimes or tell a little white lie if it will save someone from suffering or make them feel better such as compliments or keeping bad news from someone.
Don't entrap children into a corner almost forcing them to lie. Finally, believe it or not, some parents punish their children for being too moral or too honest. If you do that, you will confuse them.
Raise A Good Family 7
Tradition is important to a family. Not just large family reunions but celebrate the little occasions like the birthdays, the anniversaries, regular annual outings like going to the lake for the Memorial Day weekend, going to help Uncle Joe with the harvest for the Labor Day weekend, midnight mass on Christmas Eve, etc.
Establish meaningful traditions. They have the effect of renewing emotional energy that has accumulated over the years. These create your memories and bond the family.
The peer group is king from age 13 to about 24 when children start to mature. Give a little bit.
Unexpressed feelings lead to cynicism and negativity therefore it's very important that you keep the door open and talk to your children.
Rebellion is to be expected. In all likelihood, your children will betray you somehow by either stealing from you, denouncing you and disrespecting you. You must be patient. Don't give them the third degree. It will be an ongoing building and repairing process. Let them know that you're trying to see it from their point of view. Think like them.
Give them some rope to experiment with. Don't crowd them. Most come back. There's a fine line there so be vigilant that they're not too outta control.
People are known by the company they keep. If they're hanging with lowlifes, you got a problem. You have to try to talk them out of it. That's the real problem, if they get in with the wrong crowd. It's a toughie.
Talk to them. Give them a real job if you're in a position to do so. They will like the money and it will give them a sense of responsibility not to mention it will keep them away from idle time with scuzzball friends.
If your child wants to challenge you in anything, even a fight, it's best to catch him off guard with gentleness. Tell him you're sorry he turned out that way and you will be praying for him then just put your head down, turn and walk away. Trust me, it will catch him cold and he will think about it very seriously.
Don't ever accept a kid's challenge to a confrontation. If he wants to talk, that's alright but if it's a confrontation, tell him to cool off for five minutes then you will talk.
You're in charge. There's a time to get tough with your kids. If they act punky, kick them out of the house. The one thing I learned in life is that if you counter angry people with a meek, gentle voice, many will become instantly embarrassed and shut right up.
Stay cool. Plan activities with your children. Go to the Ymca with them and join together. Start weightlifting or something like that.
Stay cool about their dates unless they're real scuzzballs. They will hate you butting into their love lives especially at that insecure age.
If the lover's a real loser, you might have to talk to them (the lover) privately if possible and tell them to get lost. It might be the only way you will get rid of them.
Your child might think he's in love with the scuzzball and tell you to butt out. If you think the lover's bad, you might do something about it or you might leave it to his better judgment to smarten up on his own. The biggest rule of all is to listen, listen, listen, let them speak their minds.
Perhaps the biggest problem with children is that they're selfish. You have to try to ease their selfishness to help them see that the world doesn't revolve around them and that selfish people generally have very few friends.
Tell them outright to stop it then talk to them about sharing as you do an activity together. You have to use gentle persuasion with young kids. Explain things to them.
If your child doesn't turn out exactly the way you want him to, you still have to accept him. Everyone has personality quirks. Try to overlook them. If you wanted a jock and get a skinny, wimpy kid, don't devalue him.
Don't belittle your child for his hobbies. If he does something that seems trivial to you, like collect cards, instead of putting him down, bite your tongue and show a sincere interest in it. When you accept him, he feels safe to develop.
2
45
No comments:
Post a Comment